The Power of a Name

So recently I decided to change my name. In all honesty, this was something I decided some years ago but never quite followed through with it. As I continued along my spiritual path, and life unfolded for me in unexpected ways, I felt that the vibration of my birth name, and all the herstory tied to it, was holding me back from the person life was asking me to become.

I went through the vacillation of deciding if I should change it. What would my family think? Coming from an African family, I did not think that culturally that would go over so well. I thought they would take it personally. Then I decided that I would just honor me.

Then I went through the journey of what name should I take and how should I choose it. I decided that a name from the Essene tradition that I was studying and felt strong resonance with would be most appropriate, based on what I was feeling.

So I literally sat at my computer, hooked up to the internet and started scrolling down lists of Hebrew names for girls. I found two that I liked; Eden (paradise, referring to the garden in the Torah that was Adam and Eve's first home) and Ganya (garden). What appeals to me most about the Essene path is the call to continually live in a way that upgrades myself, my family, my community and the planet to the vibration of the Garden of Eden. It is a call to restore the earth to that vibration and it is the continual journey towards that reality.

I think that there were one or two people who were very condemning of my choosing such a name. There was a subtle judgment that came across – that I was choosing the name from a point of vanity. It was almost a way of saying that I don't deserve to call myself such a name. Hmmm. What an interesting reception from people who I thought would most understand. You'd think that I had said that I was changing my name to God.

I decided that I would wait until I left the community I was in and change my name when I returned to LA. But there I vacillated too. And in the interim I was able to come to a place of healing with my family that did not create as compelling an urge to change my name. Something about transcending the family dramas made wearing my birth name feel more natural once again. The escapist compulsion had dissipated.

I still liked the name Eden Ganya though, and thought that I would at least keep it as a writing name. I justified it by saying that not writing under my actual name would protect me from excess vanity and becoming over identified with my work. Then writing would be just something that I did, not something that I perceive myself to be.

Then I got married. I did not want to take my husband's name. That did not feel comfortable to me and not something I have ever been into. My husband was not comfortable with us having different names. After all we were going to be a family – at least of two. What would happen if we have kids? He felt that everyone in the family should have the same name. I could understand that. So he suggested that we both change our last name to one of our mutual choosing. That felt good to me so we went with that.

So again with the name changing process. This time it involved several conversations. We wanted to combine both our heritages into one name. I am of Shona (a Zimbabwean ethnicity) descent, and he is of Irish, Scottish and Swedish descent. On our second date, we watched the movie Million Dollar Baby. Clint Eastwood's character had a pet name for Hilary Swank's character, that became her boxing name – Mo Chuisle. He doesn't tell her what it means until the very end of the movie when he tells her that it means (his translation) “My darling, my blood.” A touching tribute to the power of the family that you make, and not that you're born into. She is obviously like a daughter to him.

The more commonly held translation of mo chuisle is my heart, my pulse. Either way....we liked the chuisle part of it. And as a woman of color, it did not sound too far off for me that I could not relate to it. For the Shona part of it we ended up on kuda – the verb for “to love.” It is also a noun that means will, and frequently shows up as the first name and phrase kudakwashe (Divine will, or Will of God)

So our first choice of name became Chuislekuda (pronounced Kweeshla-Kooodah) Love's heartbeat or Love's Divine Will. We thought, oh my goodness. Our kids will hate us. No one will ever be able to pronounce or spell our name. We thought about other choices, but everything came back to that. The first name ended up being the one that stuck.

So I got a get out of jail free card. By getting married I did not have to worry about navigating the drama of changing my family name. Given my new relationship with my family and the fact that I never detested my first name from birth, I decided to keep Fadzo as my middle name. It seems like a nice connection to my past, my culture and my blood family. I never liked my original middle name anyway (Patience....hmmmm) Keeping Fadzo as a middle name has the inadvertent advantage of allowing people to still call me Fadzo, without me having to correct them.

I am also learning in this process of changing my name that there is an aspect of me that loves to hide. This name change is very balancing for me for it forces me to put myself out there in a fuller way. Eden is not really a hiding name. Eden feels different from Fadzo. It is certainly a touch more flamboyant. Eden is not a name for shrinking violets. So wearing the name Eden is going to shift my life in ways I can't even imagine. This is the power of a name.

I would love to hear from those of you who are considering this journey or have already undergone it. I would also love to hear from women who have changed their maiden name upon marriage and how they feel it has impacted their identity or the way they self identify.

Peace, love and blessings to you all

Eden